I just finished reading Shauna Niequist's Bittersweet, a sequel to her first book, Cold Tangerines. Even though I am not currently a Christian and don't believe in God, I continue to read her books because there are so many things that I miss about my old faith. I have never been angry at God or hated/judged Christians because in spite of the bad things, I think there are so many beautiful things about this religion. Shauna Niequist's writing will always remind me of those good times; of how this faith brought me joy and happiness, how much I learned to love others, and remind me of the wonderful purpose I felt when I was a Christian. Honestly, I always leave her books feeling a mixture of sadness and possibility. I think, "This sounds so good. I miss this... is there any way I could come back and experience this goodness again?" There will always be a part of me that yearns for those good times and mourns for what is lost, but for now, I just can't imagine going back.
The Christianity that is described by Niequist and so many of my friends is truly a beautiful way to live. It's a far cry from the picketing, abortion clinic bombing, gay-hating version of Christianity so many people look down on. Instead, this Christianity is full of joy, kindness, and beauty. These Christians read the New Testament and take comfort from the promises that God will work everything out. They read about the generosity of the new believers in the book of Acts and donate money to charity and serve Thanksgiving to the homeless. These are your best friends; the ones you can call in the middle of the night and the ones who will bake you brownies and drink wine with you when your heart is broken. It is a wonderful way to live your life and I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it.
Except one thing. It has nearly nothing to do with the ancient text we call the Bible. The Old Testament paints a picture of a jealous God who hand selects one group of followers that wander the desert and commit genocide to preserve their way of life. The OT God led his followers through an amazingly complex sets of rules and regulations and many violations were met with death. While this God displays fierce devotion to his followers, there is little love or compassion. In the New Testament, Jesus is not exactly a kind, safe figure. He commands that we not only continue to follow the letter of the law set out by the Israelites, but up the ante to our thoughts and intentions. He commands us to leave our families without saying goodbye, give up all our material possessions, and never to throw parties for our friends, but to only invite those who cannot pay us back. It is an admirable and terrifying way to live. It also has nothing to do with our million dollar church buildings, our secure jobs, our nice things, and Jesus definitely does not promise that God will work everything out ok in the end (...of this life anyway. Eternity, yes).
This is why I struggled so deeply as a Christian. I'm not a very detail-oriented person and I mess up a lot in life, but the big stuff, the life-changing, important stuff, I will always dive into head first. When I really became a Christian, I read the words of Jesus and took him seriously. I gave up a lot of my things, I traveled to Africa because I thought that's where God was calling me to go, I prayed and studied up to 2 hours a day and fasted almost twice a week. I even thought about joining a community in an inner city that had no possessions and dedicated their lives to improving that community (sort of like a hippy-Jesus commune).
And all the Christians I knew thought I was crazy.
They said that God didn't mean us to take him so literally. All of those things Jesus said were a metaphor or were taken out of context. If God had wanted us to be poor, he wouldn't have given us talents to use. There's nothing wrong with having nice things as long as you don't get too attached to them. But all those comments just sounded like taking the easy way out. Is it hard to live the way Jesus did? Of course! It's scary and painful and lonely, and I certainly don't want to do it if I don't have to. I just feel that we either need to take this document seriously or forget it altogether. I'm just not capable of saying that Jesus Christ is the Lord of my life and I would follow Him anywhere... and then go on and live my life as I always have. I can't do it.
So everytime I read a book that makes me nostolgic for the comfort and purpose of that old life, I think about all the things Jesus commands us to do and I know I can't ever be that kind of Christian. Maybe one day I'll believe again, but if I do, my life will never be the same.
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